dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i now understand why vodka
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
