is your mom at the bar?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
