I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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