my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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