and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
