i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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