I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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