I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
