Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
