I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
