Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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