i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
