I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
