I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
