Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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