sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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