I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
