They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize