apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
