isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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