Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
