pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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