shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
