Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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