I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
