fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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