He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
