I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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