well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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