Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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