If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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