apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
