guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
