Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
