Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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