so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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