he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
