What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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