Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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