So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
