there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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