the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
