there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize