i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
