mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
