'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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