you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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