dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
