I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
