I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
