WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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