Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My penis needs a shock collar
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
