Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
