Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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