I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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