You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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