i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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