a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
