Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
handjob tips. give me some.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
