I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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