Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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