Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
wow bdsm is so cute
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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