I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
